In all my twenty-four years of existence, I can't remember getting anything I wanted. I've always had to settle for something less - be it a material thing, a status, a title, a condition, even love. Being the pseudo-righteous person that I am, and ever living the values that the Scholastican nuns have taught me, I've always tried to be contented with what life gave me. I continue to find happiness in what those second bests gave me.
Recently, I found something I wanted so bad, that I was willing to break all the barriers I've built around me. His name is Ryan. We've been friends for a couple of years, and I've always liked him. I'd like to think we potentially had something good before, but I was too afraid. You see, he's the kind of guy I've always wanted. Like the uber cool Alienware Aurora that I would gladly sell my soul for. (Yah hear that Satan?) He completes me in ways I could never explain. He understands every bit of me, without even me having to say a word. He's a treasure, and at that time I felt too scared to ruin something good. So I kept mum about the growing affection I had for him, instead I focused on someone dispensable. I kept my distance, because I knew exposing myself to him more could only lead to disaster.
We remained friends, with the occasional flirting to pacify my cravings for him. We've always had something special, and he always remained to be that amazing thing I want but is too lazy/dumb to work for it. Much like that HTC Touch I always look at whenever I'm at the cellphone store at the mall, but never had the courage to come inside the store and ask about it. I just know I can't afford it, and I was too lazy to work for it. And if for some reason I was able to buy it, I would probably just break or lose it. He was special, and I put him up on a pedestal, with pretty lights blinking around just for kicks.
I'm an independent and liberal minded woman who's been in a string of relationships in the past. Some are so-so, some more serious than the others, but more importantly, I had them to pacify my need for companionship. You see, although I appear to be a bitch who's got more balls than any guy I know, the truth is I'm just afraid to expose my self and get hurt in the process. Yep, that's me. I make people think guys are dispensable (although most of them really are), and I make guys think I can live without them. Don't get me wrong, I'm a very loving and caring person. I just dislike sadness as much as I dislike dugyot emo kids. Well, now I think karma has finally caught up with me... in the form of Ryan.
A couple of months ago, scarred from the number of dilemmas that life has thrown my way, I finally decided to eat up some of my inhibitions and throw away some of my fears. I needed something real, and I knew he was the only one who could make me feel better. I thought to myself, I'm already miserable, it can't get any worse than this. So for once, I went out of my shell and showed someone how vulnerable I am. I showed him how I feel, and it felt good for a while. He reciprocated. He was sweet and caring as always. He made me feel secure. But not knowing where I stand soon ate up my sanity, and I wanted to know he was mine. So I told him I liked him... a lot, and I was afraid of losing him. I want him for myself, and I want him to want me back. I told him I can no longer stand not having claiming rights over him. I told him I want to have every right to be jealous. He was very quiet, and he said I caught him off guard. This isn't how things go in the movies, or in any romance novel. I was disappointed, broken, and hurt. It hurt so much that I had to stay away, in hopes that these feelings might go away and disappear into the pits of hell. I wanted to forget him, and I wanted my old self back - safe and practical. But then he asked me to stay, and I could feel all my fears melting away, washed down by those tears that just won't stop from flowing. I hate how he has so much power over me. I hate how his words work like a command string in my system. I practically turn to mush in his hands. For once in years I felt human. He then told me not to worry and enjoy what we have. He also said, "For now, I'm yours, and you are mine". My mind passively ignored the "for now" part. All I could think of was how amazing I felt when he said that. He's mine, and that's all that mattered. It was heaven and hell from there. I was happy to be with him, but beneath those sweet moments we shared, I still felt that stabbing pain in my heart.
Things again, went well after that. He bugged me to play Cabal so that we could play together. As much as I dislike E-games, I made a character on one condition. I won't tell him the name of my character. All he knew was that I made a wizard, and that I would challenge him to a duel once I catch up to his level. So I grinded, and leveled and 
did everything to learn the game. It wasn't that much work because he has a job and can't go on addict mode. Still, those days were very tormenting. I barely slept, played like crazy, and I tried so hard to fight the urge of finding him in game and stare mindlessly at his character. Yez, pathetic much? I'm in lurve, hmmkay? I'm at least entitled to be stupet. One day, as I was running back to DS from doing some quests, I saw his character. He was right in the middle of the circle pavement in front of Dunhike. I stared in amazement, and I tried so hard to stop myself from coming close and taking a dozen or so screen shots. In my mind I was thinking, He doesn't know I'm online. He thinks I'm ukay shopping with my little sister. What are the chances of him finding out its me?! One screenie won't hurt! Then poof! I got disconnected and there was no Internet connection for four excruciating hours. I knoe rite?! Anyway, I've had a number of close encounters after that, but I was able to stop myself from spoiling the surprise. Then one day, when I was finally nearing my goal, something bad happened at home. I was distraught, and he noticed. We talked about what happened for a while, and because I dislike drama with the pizzazz of Anakbayan's hatred for our mouse of a president, I jokingly told him, "date mo naman ako in-game". He asked, "I thought you're not gonna introduce yourself until you get to my level?" Well screw surprises, I felt bad and I needed some comforting.
He asked what channel I was in, but I said I'll go to his channel instead. I was nervous. It felt as if it was the first time I was going out on a date. And to think this was a virtual date at that! He said he'll just finish his dungeon quest while I changed channels. We agreed to meet in GD. I sat near the grocer, nervous as hell. I kept thinking of a sweet gesture I could do. I mentally listed ways to surprise him. I alt tabbed and waited for him to reply in YM. Then it happened. I saw his character walking towards the grocer. I panicked! Does he know it's me? How could he know? Nobody else knows about my character. He stopped beside my character and made a pointing gesture. I tried to ignore him. No, he couldn't have possibly known. But he stayed there, so I finally whispered, "How did you know it was me?"
All he said was, "I just know", and I found myself smiling silly.
After that I began to spend more time with him in-game that it was almost like a ritual. And as Cupid has a way of fucking things over and making you miserable, I fell deeper. It came to a point where I realized, that keeping up with this would be an insult to my ego. (At the risk of sounding like an ass) I'm an awesome person. I'm smart, talented, cute, caring, thoughtful and downright lovable. I'm girlfriend material. Why doesn't he want to be with me? He obviously likes me and he obviously cares for me. Why can't he love me back? Maybe he's afraid too, I dunno. All I'm sure is that he can't possibly faking all the affection he's showering me with.
As much as it hurts my ego, I still chose to stay and be with him. Maybe in time I can move on and forget about him, but for now I choose to hang on to all my hopes and cross my fingers and hope for the best. I know I deserve him, and I know I'm doing everything I can to let him know how much I care, in hopes that he may someday care for me as much as I care for him. If he doesn't, I know that I'll still have him as a friend, and I get to bring with me memories from the last time I gambled for love. No regrets, no pain...just memories.
PS. I know you will be reading this, I hope you won't find it weird. I enjoy being with you, and I'd like to save up as much trinkets as I can that would remind me of the time I did these silly things because of you. Lastly, this one's for you...
Last week, matapos ko mag-encash ng check sa BDO sa ADB Avenue ay dumerecho kami ng mga katrabaho ko sa Megamall para maghanap ng kakainan. Nagyaya sila mag Tokyo Tokyo pero sabi ko, baka gusto naman nila sumubok ng iba kase medyo nakakasawa na para sa akin ang lasa ng Tokyo Tokyo. Niyaya ko sila sa Yoshinoya at pumayag naman sila. Medyo mabagal nga lang ang pagdating ng order nung iba sa amin. Mukhang giniling pa nila yung arina na ginamit nila para magawa yung noodles ng pansit kase may pansit yung bento box ng mga kasamahan ko na natagalan ang order. Habang kumakain kami ay may napansin ako na tarpaulin sa may bintana na nagsasabing nagdedeliver ang Yoshinoya ngunit di gaya ng karaniwang delivery services, imbes na telephone number ay website ang nakalagay na impormasyon sa tarpaulin. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na tatandaan ko yung website na iyon.
types of boys who play online games in hopes of getting laid. It's important that you have many pictures to minimize doubts of you just stealing those photos from someone else's Friendster account. 
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